Relationship Red Flags. Share with someone who needs to read this: child, sibling, yourself?  

About four weeks ago, I received a text from Malinda, a client, who asked me to call her immediately. It was important.

I clicked on her number in my contacts.  

         Malinda picked up the phone as soon as it rang, "I met him! I met THE ONE." Malinda’s voice was pulsing with excitement as she asked no one in particular, “Can you believe it? I finally met the man with whom I want to spend the rest of my life."

I thought about that statement, “Finally met the man!” Malinda was thirty-five, had a good job in the medical field and was very attractive. And in most areas of her life she had common sense. But, love had eluded her so many times. Knowing that Malinda tended to be needy, impulsive and quick to fall for someone, I tip-toed into the cold waters of reality.

         “Malinda where did you meet this man? 

         Malinda raced on, “We met at the gym where I work!  He comes in all the time but never noticed me. When he saw me he asked if I wanted him to ‘spot’ me on the weights. Of course I said yes. His name is Robert Carter, very handsome and would have no trouble meeting a woman. I was flattered he picked me out of the crowd.”

         Cautiously, I asked what she knew about him.

         Malinda mentioned that he had just ended his engagement of several years. “I was thrilled to get his attention.” 

         “How long ago did he break the engagement?” I asked.

         “They ended it about four months ago.” He said that he was glad it had ended. He never thought it would work but his ex. kept pursuing him and finally he asked her out. According to all reports from mutual friends, she was beautiful, smart and fun. Those who knew them well said they never got along and they fought all the time. Rob told Malinda that it didn’t take much for a bad time. And, he admitted that he still did not know why he asked her to marry him. 

         Gently, I said to Malinda, “You do realize four months isn't much time to heal if they were together for several years?” Malinda did not answer the question.

         Malinda ended the conversation with a vague, “I will be in touch.”

Not wanting to state the obvious about red flags, I just said I was glad she met someone; cautioned her to take it very slow; and to keep me posted.

Calls went dark until four weeks later. Malinda texted me and asked me to call her. She added several sad faces. L L

         I called her. Before I got a chance to ask how she was doing, I could hear her crying.

It seems that while they had some really great dates during the last several weeks, Malinda was annoyed that his calls and plans were sporadic.

         When Malinda asked Rob why their dating was so casual, Rob said that he wanted to be free for awhile.  “I don’t think he meant it. If he did, why hook up with me?”

         "So, last Saturday,” Malinda revealed, “Rob went over to pick up Oliver, the dog that he shares with his ex fiancée. Rob has Oliver every other weekend. And, apparently, after he scooped up Oliver, according to my spies, he showed up at a local bar with his friends. He could have made plans to see me. “How could he do this to me on a Saturday night?”

Gently, I asked Malinda how many times she had actually been with Rob. She admitted that it was maybe five or six times. Then I asked if Rob had actually made any overtures to being exclusive?

         “Well, she huffed, don’t you think sleeping over at my place is that overture? He even left his pajamas and a tooth brush.”

Fast forward several weeks later………………………..

Malinda ran into Rob at the gym, clearly with a new partner.  Malinda was furious and left a message on Rob’s phone blasting him for stringing her along. He owed her more than leaving her alone on a Saturday night while he went out with the guys, or showing up at the gym with the new girl. She demanded an explanation.

Rob never responded!

Red Flags! Check them off.